Happy Valentines Day. :/

This is from me to you, babe.

I find myself thinking about you,
constantly - constantly.
The rush I get when I feel
Your skin meet mine.
Its a burst of cool air
When the heat is unbearable.
I think about you,
constantly - constantly.
Everything triggers it.
It was inevitable-
You wove your way in.
You're a part of me,
A part I'll never lose.
I can try to leave it,
But I just cant shake you
From my thoughts.

I daydream about our times together.
Replaying every last detail
With clarity like none other.
Concentrating, putting forth effort,
Only increases it exponentially.
I feel your arms slithering around me,
Aching for the feel of your skin on mine.
I feel your kiss on my neck,
Giving the smallest token
Of your immeasurable affection.

I feel these things,
Yet they are not reality.
They are an illusion.
An illusion of passion-
Of intensity-
Of love.

The love you now have,
For her.

We can live like Jack and Sally if you want.

That song makes me think of you. It almost brings me to tears. Every. Fucking. Time.

I cant stop thinking about you. I replay our adventures over and over in my head. The time you had to get gas, and kissed me at every stop light. The time we bought that CD, and went all over creation to find it... I cant stop thinking about how perfect everything was, and how happy we were. I cant figure out what when wrong. I cant figure out what changed. You'd tell me how happy you were, and how amazing our time together was. Does she really make you happier? Do you have times as amazing as we did? I feel so insufficient. I just wasn't enough. I thought I was important to you. And who knows? Maybe I was. But obviously I wasn't as important to you as you are to me. I hope you're happy with her. Thats all this was about- you being happy. You deserve to be so fucking happy, baby. If I cant make you as happy as her, then you should be with her. But you keep telling me how unhappy you are. This is why I'm so hung up on all this. You seemed happier with me than you are now. I could be completely wrong, and I could just be seeing the situation from a different perspective now, but I still see you unhappy. And honey, all I want is for you to he happy. If you told me never to speak to you again, I would comply. I care about you so fucking much, babe. And I cant bear to see you unhappy. It seems like you tell me you're happy at the start of the day, but by afternoon, you're so upset with everything. I'm always here for you. I always will be. I love you, and always will.

Even if you want me to let go, honey.

I love how "I miss you" came on half way through typing this...
And I love how I cried. Again.

You are everything I want.

I'm sorry. I dont mean to hurt you with my rants. But you hurt me more than you'll ever know. I can deal with it. I'm strong. But its terrible. I'm completely shattered. Just like your windshield. You gave me everything I wanted- made me thing happiness was an obtainable thing- then you took it all away from me, just like that. Like it was nothing. It WAS something. It was more than you know. You really mean everything to me, love, and I wish you could see it. Everything reminds me of you. Of us. Of what we could have had, and what we will never get a chance to be. Songs. Words. Images. They all remind me of you. A friend of mine called me "Farrellbaby" like you used to, and I started fucking crying. Thats how terrible this world is. This world without you. I dont know what to do with myself. I have nothing to look forward to anymore.

You came into my life with the best timing I've ever seen. I was so depressed. Borderline suicidal. Again. And you brought me back from that. Made me see how simple things are beautiful, and how there were things worth living for. Now you've taken all this away from me, and I'm spiraling down again.

I think the reason I'm not so upset, is because I refuse to get over you. Why try to do something you dont have faith in? I cant do that to myself. I've set myself up to be hurt enough times, and I'm not doing it again...

You always told me not to settle. Well now I'm listening to you. I'm not settling for anything less than you.

Tell me where our time went

And if it was time well spent.

I'm holding up a lot better than I thought I would. I mean, I am completely shattered by all of this, but I am okay. I think its because this is so different. I mean, its not just about me being heartbroken, its about him being happy. She really makes him happy, and thats all that matters. I know I'd rather be with him, but if he's happier with her, than I'd be selfish to keep him from that. I care about him more than I have ever cared about anyone, and maybe that's why this is so different. I set myself up to get hurt, and I have no one to blame but myself. But then I think of the amazing things we could have. And it just hurts so much. We could have been so fucking happy, but he turned his back on this.

If you're reading this, I love you. I have loved you longer than you'll know, and I will never stop loving you, honey. You mean everything to me, and I will wait for you as long as I have to. I never wanted to be just another girl in line, but if thats what you need, you've got it. You made me feel things I've never felt again, and I'm scared that I'll never find someone who makes me feel like you do. You will never leave my heart. And that's a promise.

I've never been so broken.

Never been so hurt. Does he fucking see how worthless I feel? He couldn't. I dont think anyone is that sadistic that they would enjoy hurting someone like he hurt me. I feel so melodramatic, but I'm fucking heartbroken. I hate how I spontaneously burst into tears. But I have no control anymore. And I'm afraid of what I'll do. There's so much I could fuck up... And so much I've already fucked up. I just wanted a chance. A chance to be with him, and be so fucking happy. Why cant I have that? What have I done to deserve this heartbreak? I dont fucking know. I have been nothing but supportive for him through ALL of this. And then I get hurt. I knew I'd get hurt. Why'd I do it? Why?! I dont deserve this. I dont deserve any of this. But I love him. YOU HEAR ME?! I LOVE YOU!

Fuck this shit.

Polar Opposites

How is it that my life is either completely bland- Nothing is happening, sitting at home- Or its over the top, too much to handle? Why is there no middle? No satisfying middle ground. I hate this. Just fucking decide what you want. There's no use playing with hearts, love. Just decide. The end.

January 29, 2008

This was written on 1-29-08, on a single sheet of lined paper.

I'm going to be alright, but right not, I'm not. There is nothing anyone can do, but give me time, and trust me to take care of myself. I need to get out of here, out of high school, out of normality, out of expectations and set rules. I need to be responsible for myself, and not have to cater to what other people expect. I need to live my own life. Thats what I need to do, for me. But there's no way I can do that. I cant keep going in the situation I'm in. And as much as I'd like to, running away is impractical, and would just cause more problems. I mean sure, I could go, but it wouldn't be like the books I've read. My parents wouldn't just accept that I'd left, they'd hunt for me. Police and all. I cant do that. That would defeat the purpose. But I need to get out of here. There's got to be a way. Some way to get closer. But I can never get there fast enough. And its not like I can just tell my parents that this is what I need. They wouldn't understand. they wouldn't get it. They'd tell me I was being stupid, and that I'd just have to tough it out. Well FUCK! I HAVE been toughing it out. And I can't fucking take it anymore. I cant do this anymore. I'm done. I need change. I need to be able to do what I want, and not have to take shit for it not being right. I hate now society puts these ideas in our heads on what is acceptable and what isn't. You should accept everything! As long as it isn't hurting anyone without their consent, whats wrong with it?! NOTHING. But society makes you think that people who do things differently, or don't agree with the general opinions, are bad, or wrong, or something that should be avoided. And its not that way! People are different- There's no way you can prevent that. And not accepting the differences, and embracing them makes you STUPID.



So fuck off.

What the hell.

I don't know where all this is going, and it bothers me. I cant tell when he cares, and when he doesn't. and that BOTHERS me. I have no control in the situation, and I don't know what to do with myself... He has more control over my emotions than I do, and there is nothing I can do about it. I love him, but he doesn't see this. I might be young, but I've never felt this way, and I'd do anything to make him mine. But he cant see this because she takes up all his view. She is all he sees. I wonder if he fucking sees her engagement ring. Or her FIANCEE! Well honey, the truth is, she'll say she will leave him for you, but its not fucking happening. And I'm tired of being the runner up.
I'm tired of not having any control... But what can I do? What can I do to stop loving you?


Nothing.